Letter To Grandma

September 22, 2010

Grandma,

At 4:30 am this morning, I got word from my brother that you passed away and went on to be with Jesus and leave your pain and illness behind. I just wanted to write to you this one last time to tell you how sorry I am for my past selfishness and pride in our somewhat distant relationship as I grew from a boy to a man. We had different views on things. You showed favoritism at times and you were tough on me occasionally. However, it wasn't until I went through my divorce that you became the Grandma that I hadn't previously experienced. You loved me, you loved your great grandchildren, and you even continued to love Ashley. Thank you for being a model of selflessness and understanding to an otherwise selfish and tormented guy. You seemed to understand my plight without even having to verbally dig deep. You just knew through your own experiences and wisdom. You selflessly helped me financially through my divorce process and never batted an eye - even when I wasn't able to see you face to face to say thank you.

Grandma, I was never able to say the things that I felt inside to you, but I want you to know that you were a huge influence in my life. You passed things down to me that I still use to this day and for that I thank you.

After getting word this morning and doing the round of calls while walking up and down Wilshire Blvd. in Los Angeles, I came back to my room in the Wilshire Hotel on the 9th floor and it was quiet and peaceful - reflective in fact. I opened the drapes to the windows and let in the overcast and dreary day. All that I could hear was the noise of the cars on the street below. But then it happened. I gentle peaceful message from the Lord to sooth my sorrowful soul. At that moment, a street musician playing a trumpet started warming up. After a short time of warm-up, he began to play the song "Amazing Grace". It (and a new special friend) made me think of the lyrics to the song that go, "Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, and mortal life shall cease, I shall possess within the veil, a life of joy and peace." Was that a message from you to me as you were on your way to meet Jesus? Was that the Lord speaking directly to me? Whatever the case, I got the message loud and clear! It proved to be a pivotal, emotional, and releasing moment for me. Thank you for the timely and peaceful message. I'll now not be able to hear that great traditional hymn without thinking of this moment and of you. Oh the greatness of our Lord and Savior!

Thank you for your life and what it meant to so many. Thank you for all of the things that you passed down through my mother that will live on through me! I love you very much and I regret not telling you that enough. Please forgive me. Until I see you again soon in the great by and by, you will be greatly missed.

Love always,

Your first grandson, Todd

Sleepless Nights

Once again, it's been quite a while since I've waxed a bit of poetic here on the blog. It's about midnight and I currently find myself in the middle of a whirlwind travel schedule that takes me all over the country and to Haiti. I've been laying in bed and I feel frustrated as tonight is another one of those "hard to sleep" nights. I can't seem to get all of the things going on in my head to take a break for a while. In the end, I guess this is a good thing as I can remember a day when I had nothing from losing everything. I prayed that God would allow me to find something I enjoyed and could excel at and He gave it to me. As a result, I find myself alone in a hotel room in Orlando, FL in the middle of a massive travel schedule. The Lord works in mysterious ways - especially in my life.

It's times like these that make me wonder what the Lord has in store for me down the road. What lies around the next corner? What's beyond the horizon? Where will my girls go to college? What's in store for me and my career? Will there be another woman in my life? Will I be content to be a single father for the rest of my days? These are questions that I find myself asking the Lord in the quietness of my thoughts in the middle of sleepless nights.

For now, I'm content with where He has me and what He continues to do in my life and the people that He brings in and out of it. I'm grateful to Him. I'm humbled from being humbled. And I'm anxious in His timing, yet I know His timing is perfect. It always has been with me. I'm happy with where He's allowed me to come and grow in my spiritual walk. The people He has allowed me to align with have been, in my eyes, specifically chosen by the Lord for my growth and healing. For that, I'm grateful.

So in essence as I write this to myself, I guess I'm thankful for the sleepless nights and moments of contemplation to be able to slow down and be still and just think. Maybe I shouldn't be so frustrated after all (except for with the couple next door)!

Letting Go

It's Monday night. It's beginning to get cool at night and that seems to be a welcome consensus due to the sweltering heat bearing down on us for the past months. Football was on tonight which is another indication that fall is just around the corner. I continue to settle in to what my position is at Food for the Hungry and I love what I do, who I work with, and the humanitarian good that goes with the job. I'm grateful that God has answered my prayer in that area. He continues to strengthen me and shine new light on spiritual questions that I've had for so many years. I continue to grow and see that God is good, merciful, loving, and most of all (with me), patient.

Why then am I somewhat sad in other areas? I think the Lord is still trying to speak to me quite loudly in other areas. I have been divorced for almost 3 years from a woman that rightfully despises me. She took away my children and moved to another state so that I don't have access to them as I used to. That, in many ways, makes me feel so inadequate as a father. In many respects, a failure in fact. I don't get to see them in many school activities, church functions, family get-togethers, swim meets, or volleyball games. It seems I miss out on everything and therefore I feel I'm missing out on their life. As my beloved girls grow older, I feel as if they're growing into women that I no longer know. Do I really know them? Do they know me? Do they WANT to know me? I feel as if a piece of myself is missing and I don't really know what to do about it.

Additionally, due to the fact of my immense failure in being a husband with truth and integrity, I feel unable to adequately be in a true loving relationship. Even with a woman that I've found that I dearly love and want to be with, I can't seem to give myself over to her. I have walls that I myself can't even seem to tear down! I have failed so miserably once, and adversely affected so many people's lives, that I (evidently) can't bring myself to failing so ruthlessly again. And in turn, that only proves to make for worse problems.

I say all of that to say this. I feel that God is telling me to let things go. Stop holding on and gripping so tightly the last few things that mean so much to me. The Lord is impressing upon me to give to Him my children. Let Him take control of that situation and how the future unfolds. He's telling me to let go of the woman that I love dearly. She's securely in His hands now and I need to trust in that - whatever the outcome and whatever His timing.

I've given over everything else in my life to the Lord except those last two things and He's done some amazing things thus far. However, God says that He wants ALL of me. Not 99.9%, but 100%! And that includes the loves of my life; my children and the woman of my dreams.

I must continue to let go in order to continue to grow.

New Relationships

It's 10:24 pm and I am gearing down to go to sleep after a full day of meetings at the job that I'm so grateful for! It's also been quite a long time since I've updated this blog and after meeting with a new friend (Daniel White or @GOAdaniel), I've been inspired to do some periodical updating. Not necessarily to "live my life on the web," but instead to be able to go back and see exactly where I was. Plus, there's a therapeutic aspect to getting your thoughts out on "paper" and some positive accountability that goes along with that. I like that and need that!

My new friend Daniel is a wonderful guy and has a HUGE heart! That was apparent within the first 5 minutes of us sitting down and discussing both business and personal matters. We have much in common and I can tell he's a deep well that I can draw from.

Follow him through his blog or on twitter. He's got great perspective on life, spirituality, family, etc. He's actually one of those guys that has something substantial to say. I like that too.

Personal Update:

Since joining Food for the Hungry as their Artist Representative, it's been a crazy, hectic, wild, but enjoyable ride. I'm learning so much and really enjoy who I work for and with. It is, once again, proof of how the Lord knows exactly what we need and answers prayer according to His timing and will. I'm looking forward to many more years of being in the ministerial work of Food for the Hungry and I count it a privilege to get to tangibly see the effect of the work that I'm a part of. It's greatly rewarding and deeply spiritual.

Until next time.

The Passing of a Friend

Today is May 28, 2010. This past Tuesday the very best friend in the whole world to my twin girls (Shelby & Taylor - age 17) passed away from severe head trauma attained from a freak car accident. I have had the unfortunate opportunity to have to sit back and watch the pain of my children affect just about every area of their lives. I could do nothing outside of try and be there for them and love on them. I couldn't relate to their loss because I've never had a close loved one or best friend die a tragic death. I didn't know what to say. . . I didn't know what to do!

The past few years have been a great struggle for all three of my little angels. They have endured the pain of their parents' divorce, living with an understandably bitter and searching mother, their lives being turned upside down by moving away from the only home they've ever known, and now this! What is God saying in all of this? What is God teaching in all of this? In fact, where IS God in all of this? I don't know and I can't see it and quite honestly, I'm hurt and angry! I'm angry for my ailing children. I'm angry with myself because I feel that some of their hurt has been caused by me and my past actions. Are these the consequences that I have to live with and they have to suffer from? Why can't I just fix it? Why can't I just be the one to atone for all my wrongs and mistakes. Why can't I just protect my girls from this sort of pain and turmoil? Just WHY?

Today is the funeral for their friend Hannah Ridling. I knew Hannah because the twins so loved her that they wanted to bring her with them on a visit to Tennessee from Alabama to meet their Daddy. She was a sweet, wonderful, vivacious, lively, and outgoing child. She always loved to laugh and smile with a warm compassionate heart. She was very polite and respectful to adults and always wanted to please others. Even though Hannah's funeral is in Montgomery, Alabama, today in Franklin, TN is noticeably gloomy and quiet. There are no birds chirping and singing outside my office window. It's noticeably quiet today (especially for late Spring) - almost as if nature and the Lord is respecting a wonderful life lost on earth. Hopefully one day, we'll see and understand the good that God will bring from this tragedy. But until then, I choose to believe that God loved that child so much that He wanted her to be with Him this very moment. I'm sure she's in Heaven laughing with Jesus and looking down on all the ones that love and miss her so greatly.

She will be missed - especially by the Collins girls! May she rest in the peace of the Lord and may her family find comfort in Christ.

Hannah Ridling - 1994-2010

Getting Acclimated

It's Thursday and today is the fourth day of my new position at Food for the Hungry as their newest Artist Rep. So far, it's been a whirlwind of conference calls and instant messaging with the corporate office, getting acclimated to the business protocol, setting up my office space, etc. Everyone I've talked to has been unbelievable and the common thread that I've noticed is that everyone seems to be genuinely in love with what they do and the cause it stands for. These are some incredibly and truly compassionate people! I'm anxious to continue to learn from them and glean as much knowledge as possible. I have a ton on my plate and am looking forward to getting in the trenches with my colleagues.

I'll be working with artists and anyone involved in the entertainment industry while also doing a fair amount of domestic and international travel. All for the cause of helping others in the name of Christ! What a great and humbling responsibility!

My Mom used to say to my brother and me when we were young, "Be careful what you pray for. You just may get it." Well, this is a perfect example of this coming true. This whole job situation has been what I asked the Lord for and He has gone above and beyond every one of my expectations. He truly knows the heart of His children and knows our needs. I'm learning that more and more every day.

Knowing the Heart

It amazes me how, when you live righteously and upright, God will bless that. He promises that in His word. I guess I've never truly grasped that concept in my heart. I've always heard it and had the head knowledge, but it's never really taken hold in my heart. . . until now, that is.

You see, in the past, I've done my fair share of deceiving, running, hiding, etc. I don't really know why. I was certainly not brought up that way and I don't have those core values. However, that's how I was during a critical period in my life. Critical for my children, that is. The beautiful thing about our Lord and Savior is that He forgives unconditionally if asked. There's never an alloted amount and you can never run out of times that He'll forgive. Nothing we can do can separate us from His love and forgiveness. That's a wonderful feeling when you truly know that in your heart. I've been on a long, arduous, and painful journey to get the this point of truly knowing, but I just know. How do I know? I can't explain it other than it's deep in my heart and soul. I know that He is watching over me. I know that He cares for me. I know that He will provide for me. And I know that He'll never leave me.

Lately, God has been truly blessing me in very small ways by answering subtle prayers that I've been praying for for quite a while. I've been diligent in trying to wait on His timing and He has begun to bless me for that. I know that the Lord is about to open the floodgates of blessing for me personally. I know He's about to use me as a tool for His glory in a mighty way and I'm ready, willing, and excited.

He's blessed me already in so many different ways and for that, I'm thankful.

Grains of Sand

I wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of my family and close friends that have helped me, fed me, encouraged me, and most importantly prayed for me through my tough time of transition in searching for a job. The Lord has blessed me with a dream job that I can't be more excited about! I feel as if there's a whole new start awaiting me.

I'm happy to report that I accepted a job offer of Artist Representative for the global relief organization called Food for the Hungry. It is a ministry-oriented job that I feel that Lord has called me to and I can't wait to get started on March 15, 2010. The Lord has heard my desperate cries and the prayers of so many of you that have been standing in the gap on my behalf. God is good and today is the beginning of something powerful and exciting for His glory!

Thank you again for all of your prayers and support. Especially the few that have been so close to me and embraced me in such a time of need. You've truly exemplified the meaning of being a follower of Christ and have proven to be a great testimony to my life. I love you!

Psalms 129:17-18

No Game Winning Shot!

First of all, let me start by saying God is good. In the past 2 years, the Lord has taught me a lot about waiting on Him and His timing. This is a huge lesson for me that I continue to grow in because I've always been this competitive type to want to take things in my own hands and fix them or work things out on my terms and timing. When you feel in control enough to "win the game" or directly effect the outcome of a certain circumstance, it's hard to change that mentality into one of humility and complete faith in the Lord. I've had the opportunity of learning this valuable lesson the hard way because I'm a hard-head! It took the Lord hitting me over the head with life to realize that I'm really not that in control and that put together. He's finally got me exactly where He wants me. I'm finally to a place of full submission and readiness for what He has in store and it's taken me all this time to get there. For that Lord, I'm sorry. It's been a long journey and yet still a long way to go. However, I'm in a good place right now and truly ready for God's will to finally take hold.

I feel that God has something great in store for me that just around the corner and some really great prospects in the works for me professionally in a time when so many are struggling. Is it something amazingly lucrative? No! But it seems to be so valuable on a human and eternal level. It seems to be a place in which God is doing a great work and I hope it is in His will to have me join Him where He is. Pray for me, my family, and my friends that have helped support me along this journey. I feel good about the prospects of turning the professional corner into the next chapter. I've gotten good feedback along the way and my gut/spirit is sending me good signals. Let's just pray that that is the Lord's still small voice and not my human hopes building up.

Training has been slow and steady, but tough. I'm truly ready for Spring so I can get outside and enjoy my time with friends and my time with Him. So many dreams and goals to go after!

A Birthday Wish

Today is (obviously) February 19th. It's a special day because 17 years ago today, my then wife gave birth to our twin girls Shelby and Taylor. Today is a bitter sweet day for me. It's sweet in the fact that I love my girls more than anything and I have a truly special relationship with them that I'm blessed with. It's so undeserving yet I'm grateful for God's amazing grace. It's bitter because I no longer get to see my angels on a daily basis. I've been divorced for more than two years now and my former wife and all three of my children moved away to another state. I only get to see my kids sporadically and I so desperately hurt when I'm not with them and getting to see them grow up and develop in to wonderful Godly women. It's bitter because I don't get to be with them on this special day. And it's bitter because I still harbor quite a bit of guilt in playing a major role in the drastic change in their lives. I don't know that I'll ever truly get over that. In many ways, it motivates me to be a better man and father. It causes me to continue to grow in a way that I never want to be the person I was.

There's so much that I want for my little girls that are growing up so quickly. There's so much that still have to say and teach to them. There's so much life that I need to live with them! There's still a lot left for me and so much room for improvement. They are my motivation. They are the reason for who (and who's) I am. They are my life and my loves!

Happy birthday girls! You are truly a gift on loan to your Mommy and I from the Lord above. I hope this birthday is a wonderful one because your next one will be the best one ever! Daddy promises!

Farming

Instead of writing this long dissertation about how I agree with this point of view and try and put it in my own words, here's another excerpt from my man Donald Miller's blog (follow his blog. You'll love it!). Some amazing thought provoking and intelligent insight. Thank you Donald!

So my question to you is, what’s your field, and are you plowing it? Are you plowing too little? Are you plowing too much? What’s your sweet spot, and in ten years, will you have a small orchard that can feed your family and some of your friends? What’s your land to toil?

1. If you have a family, if you are married with kids, that’s a field to plow. If a larger field is calling you away from your family field, then you don’t have it in you to plow it, so let it go. Your family comes first. Further the plot in that story. Get your wife some flowers, go fishing with your kids, plow the field God has given you. Andy Stanley says that in life, your family is going to suffer or your work is going to suffer, so choose. Your work life are those three rows of beans, the rest is your family, I think, and the work rows can’t replace the family rows.

2. Plow the field God gave you. This is going to be a bit controversial, but I’m just going to say it. God gave you a heart, a wellspring of delight and desire. That heart can be corrupted, for sure, but God also speaks to you and through you through that heart. If you are given an amazing opportunity to become rich and famous, but you aren’t looking forward to the work, ask yourself if God put a heart inside you to do that work. If not, let it go, no matter what the cost. Now here I’m going to get really controversial: If you have an opportunity to “build God’s kingdom” in some massive way, but the work is like pulling teeth, I think you have to really ask yourself if that is what God is calling you to do. There are times (Jonah) when the problem isn’t the work, it’s you. But there are also times when the problem is the work itself, namely that the work just isn’t for you. I firmly believe that God calls people into work, gives them a heart to do things, that seem to have nothing to do with the kingdom, and furthermore, nobody will ever be able to figure out why it is God would have them do it. Except this: Nothing speaks more powerfully than a person who has been set free to do the work he loves. There’s some gospel truth in there somewhere. I like to look at it this way, I pray and ask God “where the wind is blowing.” If the wind is blowing in a Christian book that helps people’s faith, I write that book, and if the wind is blowing on a novel that has nothing to do with faith at all, I write that book, and I’m free and I love it and I thank God he gave me the work and let me do what I love.

3. You will have to work with consistency and faithfulness. A farmer farms a field, and if he misses a week of work, everything falls apart. If the seeds aren’t in the ground when the rain comes, the crops don’t grow. Our faith is not about magic, it’s about partnering with God to see remarkable things happen through faithfulness and consistency over a long-period of time. If we buy into the instant-results mindset of our culture (that is depressed and confused itself) we will become very frustrated with God. God has a system for growing food. If one farmer does no work, but prays and sings to God, and another farmer does work, and does not pray or sing to God, then the farmer who prayed will starve and the farmer who worked will eat, because even though the second farmer didn’t acknowledge God, he understood God’s ways and he adhered to the principles God created. The first farmer was just looking for a magic show.

4. Stop measuring your crops. This is a tough one for me. I confess I check to see how many retweets I’ve had or comments on blogs, but none of this has anything to do with farming. I’d much rather fall in love with my work, and get up and do it for the works sake than do it for the notoriety. To be honest, no number I’ve seen online has pleased me. Never. But you know what has consistently brought me pleasure, sitting down and having written a good little story. Fame is fickle, and it will come and go. If you associate your identity with the fashion trends of a fickle public, you are going to go insane. I’m leaning to keep my head down and plow my field.

Provision

This is going to be a short Friday post.

I just wanted to jot down my feeling that when I hurt, I can handle it. I can deal with it. I can make myself feel that I can make it through. However, when someone in my family hurts, I take it much more harshly. It's hard for me to loose that burden. I carry it heavily. Why do I say this? It's because I see that the one person that I've known the longest and that I love so dearly is struggling. It's my brother. I struggle with knowing that he's hurting inside while outwardly being the strong Godly man that I always know him to be. He too will make it through what is presently a season. For me, I must still trust that the Lord will provide for he and his family that I so dearly love.

Pray for my brother and his family as he navigates some uncomfortable times. Sometimes God allows us to become uncomfortable to ultimately find comfort in Him.

Brain Tumor!

Today is another day at the Public Library where I can be online and search for jobs. I really didn't plan on writing anything here today, but I'm tired of chasing job opportunities down dead-end streets. Therefore, I gave up for today due to frustration and a throbbing headache (I think due to finally needing reading glasses - I'm officially old!). Thus, I write.

At 3:00 CST today, my friend and business cohort Brandon Musser will be in surgery to try and remove a fatal tumor in his brain. He's 27 years old and a wonderful man of God and a very talented IT and graphic design professional. This was all so sudden and is a shock due to how vibrant and alive he's been. It also makes me re-evaluate my current situation and where I currently am in life. I'm 42 years old, in very good health, am arguably as fit as I've ever been in my life, have 3 amazing children that think I'm still the creator of all things cool, and I have many people around me that continuously pray for me. Why then do I concentrate on the negative? I could certainly be in a much worse position. I could be where Brandon is literally fighting for my life! Yet I complain and get depressed over not currently having a job! This real-life perspective makes me feel selfish and self-centered. Another way of the Lord allowing me to see the true life perspective of my situation and to force me to rely on Him for all my needs. My unemployment situation will eventually work itself out. Brandon's health situation may not. I must remember, "There but for the grace of God go I."

I trust that the Lord knows what He's doing in all of this. He has a plan for my life going forward and I want to fully trust in Him in that regard. He has a plan for Brandon's life as well and no matter the outcome in all of this, God will get the glory!

Please pray for Brandon and his family.

Now it's time for me to get out of this place. I've been here too long and far too often. I'm turning into a weird and eclectic librarian!

Perfect Timing

Today, it is snowing AGAIN! School is out today and people around here seem to freak out when there's some snow flurries in the air. It's truly ridiculous. I hate the snow and cold weather. I'm a Florida boy through and through! However, with the snow and cold weather comes a certain tranquility and peace that forces me to kind of stop and reflect on what's going on in my life. In the past few years, things have been chaotic to say the least. I have been more uncertain and uneasy about my life and the future than I've ever been. I've had to come to the conclusion of either being my own man and turning from God, or completely submit to Him and leave behind my selfish ways and actions that have hurt so many in past years. I decided years ago to completely submit to Christ for the rest of my days. With this decision being made, things have certainly not been easy. In fact, the Lord says that the life of a Christ-follower won't be easy. But then, Jesus' life wasn't easy either. I believe this is God's way of truly seeing if I'm willing to put my full faith and trust in Him. I'll be honest - it's hard some days. It's tough believing that God is in ultimate control of His children and that we must have total faith in Him and His perfect timing. That's a hard thing for me to grasp hold of in the midst of turmoil, unsettledness, and uncertainty. I'm pathetically flawed and human!

I will say this though. The Lord has brought me through some amazing things. Things I never thought I would have the strength to endure, yet I did. He has aligned me with some people that I never thought could love and support me the way that they have, yet I'm still around. This, to me, is the Lord's way of saying, "Trust in me and my timing and I will show you that you can count on me along the way." These people that He's allowed me to come in contact with have been little nuggets of peace to get me to His ultimate destination - whatever that may be.

Currently, I'm in job-hunting mode and looking for just about anything I can find. I'm also waiting to hear back from a job that I desperately want and could do extremely well. It seems as though it's all been divinely lined up, but then I've also been in waiting for over 3 weeks! Is this God's way of testing my faith in Him and in His timing? Or is this me wanting this position so bad that I am concocting this all in my head? Whatever the case, the bottom line is I must have 100% faith in the Lord and know that His timing is seldom early, never late, but always perfect. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

My twitter update this morning said this: "What you focus on is what you will see. Expect God's goodness." That's easy to read and write, but harder to truly let sink in. I'm getting it!

My urgent prayer has been to finally settle in and have some stability in my life. For myself, for my friends and support group, but mostly for my children. I'm ready to fall into a "life groove" so I can live out my life with peace and be able to make a difference for His kingdom. I'm also ready to get back to a normal routine of training. I greatly miss the consistency!

Up and Down

Today I'm posting an excerpt from my brother, Troy's blog. Honestly, I don't have much to say and I certainly can't do better than this! Troy is my family, my rock, my Godly wisdom, my confidant, and the person I feel God placed on this earth to watch over me so I don't destroy myself. The older I get, the more I realize this and am grateful. How can someone take on the burden of someone else yet knowingly not be able to do anything to help other than pray? Now that, to me, is Christ-like! I love my brother. Always have and forever will.

This week started out in the ditch. You see, here's the thing, I've been sharing a burden with my brother about his job. That's been an emotional push this whole week and there have been ups and downs. In fact the job was supposed to have been filled (one way or the other) on Monday. Long story, but that's STILL yet to be determined, but I'm likening this process to a marathon race. At first you're up to the challenge, then after a while you get very weary of it, and then finally (I'm here at this step), you just keep going forward and are completely numb. Is it wrong to care so much about something you have no control over? Is it wrong to care so much for someone that you love and only want to see catch just ONE break this decade? I can pontificate all day about rights, fairness, and justice, but above all else, there is that underlying quiet element that trumps 'em all - God's sovereignty. God has a plan for my brother to succeed, prosper, and be at peace. All of this pinned up anxiety and stress means something, but WHAT!?! We'll know when we're supposed to, so until then, I pray. I've done better this week in letting it go fully. Monday and Tuesday were a wreck. Wednesday was better and family and their love played a HUGE part in that.