Grains of Sand

I wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of my family and close friends that have helped me, fed me, encouraged me, and most importantly prayed for me through my tough time of transition in searching for a job. The Lord has blessed me with a dream job that I can't be more excited about! I feel as if there's a whole new start awaiting me.

I'm happy to report that I accepted a job offer of Artist Representative for the global relief organization called Food for the Hungry. It is a ministry-oriented job that I feel that Lord has called me to and I can't wait to get started on March 15, 2010. The Lord has heard my desperate cries and the prayers of so many of you that have been standing in the gap on my behalf. God is good and today is the beginning of something powerful and exciting for His glory!

Thank you again for all of your prayers and support. Especially the few that have been so close to me and embraced me in such a time of need. You've truly exemplified the meaning of being a follower of Christ and have proven to be a great testimony to my life. I love you!

Psalms 129:17-18

No Game Winning Shot!

First of all, let me start by saying God is good. In the past 2 years, the Lord has taught me a lot about waiting on Him and His timing. This is a huge lesson for me that I continue to grow in because I've always been this competitive type to want to take things in my own hands and fix them or work things out on my terms and timing. When you feel in control enough to "win the game" or directly effect the outcome of a certain circumstance, it's hard to change that mentality into one of humility and complete faith in the Lord. I've had the opportunity of learning this valuable lesson the hard way because I'm a hard-head! It took the Lord hitting me over the head with life to realize that I'm really not that in control and that put together. He's finally got me exactly where He wants me. I'm finally to a place of full submission and readiness for what He has in store and it's taken me all this time to get there. For that Lord, I'm sorry. It's been a long journey and yet still a long way to go. However, I'm in a good place right now and truly ready for God's will to finally take hold.

I feel that God has something great in store for me that just around the corner and some really great prospects in the works for me professionally in a time when so many are struggling. Is it something amazingly lucrative? No! But it seems to be so valuable on a human and eternal level. It seems to be a place in which God is doing a great work and I hope it is in His will to have me join Him where He is. Pray for me, my family, and my friends that have helped support me along this journey. I feel good about the prospects of turning the professional corner into the next chapter. I've gotten good feedback along the way and my gut/spirit is sending me good signals. Let's just pray that that is the Lord's still small voice and not my human hopes building up.

Training has been slow and steady, but tough. I'm truly ready for Spring so I can get outside and enjoy my time with friends and my time with Him. So many dreams and goals to go after!

A Birthday Wish

Today is (obviously) February 19th. It's a special day because 17 years ago today, my then wife gave birth to our twin girls Shelby and Taylor. Today is a bitter sweet day for me. It's sweet in the fact that I love my girls more than anything and I have a truly special relationship with them that I'm blessed with. It's so undeserving yet I'm grateful for God's amazing grace. It's bitter because I no longer get to see my angels on a daily basis. I've been divorced for more than two years now and my former wife and all three of my children moved away to another state. I only get to see my kids sporadically and I so desperately hurt when I'm not with them and getting to see them grow up and develop in to wonderful Godly women. It's bitter because I don't get to be with them on this special day. And it's bitter because I still harbor quite a bit of guilt in playing a major role in the drastic change in their lives. I don't know that I'll ever truly get over that. In many ways, it motivates me to be a better man and father. It causes me to continue to grow in a way that I never want to be the person I was.

There's so much that I want for my little girls that are growing up so quickly. There's so much that still have to say and teach to them. There's so much life that I need to live with them! There's still a lot left for me and so much room for improvement. They are my motivation. They are the reason for who (and who's) I am. They are my life and my loves!

Happy birthday girls! You are truly a gift on loan to your Mommy and I from the Lord above. I hope this birthday is a wonderful one because your next one will be the best one ever! Daddy promises!

Farming

Instead of writing this long dissertation about how I agree with this point of view and try and put it in my own words, here's another excerpt from my man Donald Miller's blog (follow his blog. You'll love it!). Some amazing thought provoking and intelligent insight. Thank you Donald!

So my question to you is, what’s your field, and are you plowing it? Are you plowing too little? Are you plowing too much? What’s your sweet spot, and in ten years, will you have a small orchard that can feed your family and some of your friends? What’s your land to toil?

1. If you have a family, if you are married with kids, that’s a field to plow. If a larger field is calling you away from your family field, then you don’t have it in you to plow it, so let it go. Your family comes first. Further the plot in that story. Get your wife some flowers, go fishing with your kids, plow the field God has given you. Andy Stanley says that in life, your family is going to suffer or your work is going to suffer, so choose. Your work life are those three rows of beans, the rest is your family, I think, and the work rows can’t replace the family rows.

2. Plow the field God gave you. This is going to be a bit controversial, but I’m just going to say it. God gave you a heart, a wellspring of delight and desire. That heart can be corrupted, for sure, but God also speaks to you and through you through that heart. If you are given an amazing opportunity to become rich and famous, but you aren’t looking forward to the work, ask yourself if God put a heart inside you to do that work. If not, let it go, no matter what the cost. Now here I’m going to get really controversial: If you have an opportunity to “build God’s kingdom” in some massive way, but the work is like pulling teeth, I think you have to really ask yourself if that is what God is calling you to do. There are times (Jonah) when the problem isn’t the work, it’s you. But there are also times when the problem is the work itself, namely that the work just isn’t for you. I firmly believe that God calls people into work, gives them a heart to do things, that seem to have nothing to do with the kingdom, and furthermore, nobody will ever be able to figure out why it is God would have them do it. Except this: Nothing speaks more powerfully than a person who has been set free to do the work he loves. There’s some gospel truth in there somewhere. I like to look at it this way, I pray and ask God “where the wind is blowing.” If the wind is blowing in a Christian book that helps people’s faith, I write that book, and if the wind is blowing on a novel that has nothing to do with faith at all, I write that book, and I’m free and I love it and I thank God he gave me the work and let me do what I love.

3. You will have to work with consistency and faithfulness. A farmer farms a field, and if he misses a week of work, everything falls apart. If the seeds aren’t in the ground when the rain comes, the crops don’t grow. Our faith is not about magic, it’s about partnering with God to see remarkable things happen through faithfulness and consistency over a long-period of time. If we buy into the instant-results mindset of our culture (that is depressed and confused itself) we will become very frustrated with God. God has a system for growing food. If one farmer does no work, but prays and sings to God, and another farmer does work, and does not pray or sing to God, then the farmer who prayed will starve and the farmer who worked will eat, because even though the second farmer didn’t acknowledge God, he understood God’s ways and he adhered to the principles God created. The first farmer was just looking for a magic show.

4. Stop measuring your crops. This is a tough one for me. I confess I check to see how many retweets I’ve had or comments on blogs, but none of this has anything to do with farming. I’d much rather fall in love with my work, and get up and do it for the works sake than do it for the notoriety. To be honest, no number I’ve seen online has pleased me. Never. But you know what has consistently brought me pleasure, sitting down and having written a good little story. Fame is fickle, and it will come and go. If you associate your identity with the fashion trends of a fickle public, you are going to go insane. I’m leaning to keep my head down and plow my field.

Provision

This is going to be a short Friday post.

I just wanted to jot down my feeling that when I hurt, I can handle it. I can deal with it. I can make myself feel that I can make it through. However, when someone in my family hurts, I take it much more harshly. It's hard for me to loose that burden. I carry it heavily. Why do I say this? It's because I see that the one person that I've known the longest and that I love so dearly is struggling. It's my brother. I struggle with knowing that he's hurting inside while outwardly being the strong Godly man that I always know him to be. He too will make it through what is presently a season. For me, I must still trust that the Lord will provide for he and his family that I so dearly love.

Pray for my brother and his family as he navigates some uncomfortable times. Sometimes God allows us to become uncomfortable to ultimately find comfort in Him.

Brain Tumor!

Today is another day at the Public Library where I can be online and search for jobs. I really didn't plan on writing anything here today, but I'm tired of chasing job opportunities down dead-end streets. Therefore, I gave up for today due to frustration and a throbbing headache (I think due to finally needing reading glasses - I'm officially old!). Thus, I write.

At 3:00 CST today, my friend and business cohort Brandon Musser will be in surgery to try and remove a fatal tumor in his brain. He's 27 years old and a wonderful man of God and a very talented IT and graphic design professional. This was all so sudden and is a shock due to how vibrant and alive he's been. It also makes me re-evaluate my current situation and where I currently am in life. I'm 42 years old, in very good health, am arguably as fit as I've ever been in my life, have 3 amazing children that think I'm still the creator of all things cool, and I have many people around me that continuously pray for me. Why then do I concentrate on the negative? I could certainly be in a much worse position. I could be where Brandon is literally fighting for my life! Yet I complain and get depressed over not currently having a job! This real-life perspective makes me feel selfish and self-centered. Another way of the Lord allowing me to see the true life perspective of my situation and to force me to rely on Him for all my needs. My unemployment situation will eventually work itself out. Brandon's health situation may not. I must remember, "There but for the grace of God go I."

I trust that the Lord knows what He's doing in all of this. He has a plan for my life going forward and I want to fully trust in Him in that regard. He has a plan for Brandon's life as well and no matter the outcome in all of this, God will get the glory!

Please pray for Brandon and his family.

Now it's time for me to get out of this place. I've been here too long and far too often. I'm turning into a weird and eclectic librarian!

Perfect Timing

Today, it is snowing AGAIN! School is out today and people around here seem to freak out when there's some snow flurries in the air. It's truly ridiculous. I hate the snow and cold weather. I'm a Florida boy through and through! However, with the snow and cold weather comes a certain tranquility and peace that forces me to kind of stop and reflect on what's going on in my life. In the past few years, things have been chaotic to say the least. I have been more uncertain and uneasy about my life and the future than I've ever been. I've had to come to the conclusion of either being my own man and turning from God, or completely submit to Him and leave behind my selfish ways and actions that have hurt so many in past years. I decided years ago to completely submit to Christ for the rest of my days. With this decision being made, things have certainly not been easy. In fact, the Lord says that the life of a Christ-follower won't be easy. But then, Jesus' life wasn't easy either. I believe this is God's way of truly seeing if I'm willing to put my full faith and trust in Him. I'll be honest - it's hard some days. It's tough believing that God is in ultimate control of His children and that we must have total faith in Him and His perfect timing. That's a hard thing for me to grasp hold of in the midst of turmoil, unsettledness, and uncertainty. I'm pathetically flawed and human!

I will say this though. The Lord has brought me through some amazing things. Things I never thought I would have the strength to endure, yet I did. He has aligned me with some people that I never thought could love and support me the way that they have, yet I'm still around. This, to me, is the Lord's way of saying, "Trust in me and my timing and I will show you that you can count on me along the way." These people that He's allowed me to come in contact with have been little nuggets of peace to get me to His ultimate destination - whatever that may be.

Currently, I'm in job-hunting mode and looking for just about anything I can find. I'm also waiting to hear back from a job that I desperately want and could do extremely well. It seems as though it's all been divinely lined up, but then I've also been in waiting for over 3 weeks! Is this God's way of testing my faith in Him and in His timing? Or is this me wanting this position so bad that I am concocting this all in my head? Whatever the case, the bottom line is I must have 100% faith in the Lord and know that His timing is seldom early, never late, but always perfect. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

My twitter update this morning said this: "What you focus on is what you will see. Expect God's goodness." That's easy to read and write, but harder to truly let sink in. I'm getting it!

My urgent prayer has been to finally settle in and have some stability in my life. For myself, for my friends and support group, but mostly for my children. I'm ready to fall into a "life groove" so I can live out my life with peace and be able to make a difference for His kingdom. I'm also ready to get back to a normal routine of training. I greatly miss the consistency!

Up and Down

Today I'm posting an excerpt from my brother, Troy's blog. Honestly, I don't have much to say and I certainly can't do better than this! Troy is my family, my rock, my Godly wisdom, my confidant, and the person I feel God placed on this earth to watch over me so I don't destroy myself. The older I get, the more I realize this and am grateful. How can someone take on the burden of someone else yet knowingly not be able to do anything to help other than pray? Now that, to me, is Christ-like! I love my brother. Always have and forever will.

This week started out in the ditch. You see, here's the thing, I've been sharing a burden with my brother about his job. That's been an emotional push this whole week and there have been ups and downs. In fact the job was supposed to have been filled (one way or the other) on Monday. Long story, but that's STILL yet to be determined, but I'm likening this process to a marathon race. At first you're up to the challenge, then after a while you get very weary of it, and then finally (I'm here at this step), you just keep going forward and are completely numb. Is it wrong to care so much about something you have no control over? Is it wrong to care so much for someone that you love and only want to see catch just ONE break this decade? I can pontificate all day about rights, fairness, and justice, but above all else, there is that underlying quiet element that trumps 'em all - God's sovereignty. God has a plan for my brother to succeed, prosper, and be at peace. All of this pinned up anxiety and stress means something, but WHAT!?! We'll know when we're supposed to, so until then, I pray. I've done better this week in letting it go fully. Monday and Tuesday were a wreck. Wednesday was better and family and their love played a HUGE part in that.

The Journey

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize

It is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

God is going to shift things around for you

and let things work in your favor.

I believe this to be true and I confess that I have faith that God sees all, knows all, and IS all. I believe that He knows me and knows my future and has some incredible things in store! Keep praying for me.

Now off to train!

The Coming Days

At the time that I'm writing this, I currently sit in the public library where things are quiet, I can be online and check email, and just think. I'm sitting at my usual table in a corner next to a floor to ceiling length window where I can view the outside and feel somewhat connected to it. There's an unusual amount of snow on the ground that brightens up everything outside. It's calm, still, and quiet out there. Yet, there's still the movement and motion of the birds and squirrels going about their daily business of looking for food as if there were no change in the landscape.

I'll be honest, I sit here quietly very unnerved. I know in whom I belong and I know where my strength comes from. As I get older, I also have realized that my faith continues to grow. I need to continue to draw from that more than ever right now! I feel, in life, God allows us to go through and endure certain things that we may not currently understand but need to have faith in knowing that we are in His hands and under His timing. That's the tough part and that's where I currently reside. I'm in a professional transitional state and I need the Lord to show up and intervene in a mighty way - and I know that He will! I just have to trust in His will and timing.

I've had so many blessing throughout my life and I've had so many people that God has brought my way to help me tremendously. I know He won't let me go and I know that He has something just around the corner in order to use me for His will. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm able! I just want to go where He is already working.

Pray for me and the coming days.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.
(Ephesians 3:20-21)