Today was perhaps one of the most eye-opening days that I've had in my 41 years visiting this earth. Honestly, lately I've been struggling with many things in my life. Where do I go from here? Am I washed up professionally? Will I spend the rest of my life alone and pushing people away from me that love me? Will I continue to be the most selfish individual I know? When will I get some breaks come my way? You see, all of these questions have been lingering in my mind for quite some time and have started to have the trickle down effect. By that I mean, it has negatively effected my personal relationships, my finances, my business, my health, etc. Almost every aspect of my life has been correlated to these "life" questions. I've been making my silent inner fear and self pity a matter of prayer in fact. Well today my prayers and questions were divinely answered.
Late this afternoon I went down to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital to see the son of a member of the church that I attend. He has some kind of auto-immune disease that is far beyond my understanding than what my small mind can comprehend. At any rate, I knew going in that this would not be a walk in the park. It was going to be tough emotionally! Therefore, I tried to put on my competitive "game-face" (whatever that is) and go in there a strong man. Even knowing it was going to be tough, I still was ill prepared. Having never seen something to this magnitude before and trying to be mentally prepared for what was coming, I walked into that hospital room and was
still blown away at the severity and human cruelness that sometimes life can dole out. I was humbled beyond words or description. This young man, Brandon, who is daily staring in the face of death, proved to be one of the most amazing, strong, brave, yet humble young men I've ever come in contact with. He was a normal 21 year old kid who loves music, girls, movies, sports, and even loves the Lord. We cracked jokes, we talked about music, we talked about girls, we even talked about the future! That was the most amazing thing to me. Brandon is strong, perceptive, smart, and grateful. Grateful? Yes, grateful! This is something that struck me as something I would probably never be - given this situation. You see, I went in that room wanting to be a light and a help to someone and a family that could use all the help they can get, yet I walked out of that room a completely different man. I received from Brandon and his family much more than I could've ever given. They showed me what leaning on Christ and His strength is truly about. They are people that I will not soon forget.
I say all of that to come back to those "life" questions that I've been in self pity about. How did God speak to me? Well, He revealed to me that all of those issues that I have buried deep within are all selfish "me" issues and all rooted in fear. Notice that all of those issues start with the word "my". They're not about someone else or putting someone else first. It's about ME! The Lord revealed to me, "There but for the grace of God go I". What if I were laying in that bed staring death in the face on a daily basis? Would I give God glory and be okay with whatever His will would be? Or, what if I were his father who had to fill out a living will at his son's bedside! Would I be okay with that? Would I still love my God in the midst of the lowest of low like Brandon does? This life is NOT about me as much as our society says it is. This life is supposed to be about putting yourself aside and putting others first . . . no matter what! That's living as Christ would have us live. That's how Jesus lived! I can now ashamedly say I've never been that way. However, my eyes were drastically opened to many things about my self this afternoon. I want to do some good for others. I want to do things with a pure heart, a pure motive, and with nothing expected in return. I want to be like Brandon! That's Christ-like.
Lastly, I was so amazingly moved by one other thing. Just before I left that hospital room that was filled with every imaginable machine hooked to his weak body, I touched Brandon's arm. I said to him, "Brandon, you are an amazing guy! Keep fighting!" As I touched his arm, I felt something shoot through my body that I can't describe. I don't know what it was. He just felt different. I don't know if it was the Holy Spirit or what, but he felt special. He was warm and soft and it felt almost electric. I then got over come with emotion and couldn't speak. I hugged his mom and just looked at her without anything coming from my mouth. My emotion swept over me like a crashing wave. I felt unworthy to be in that room. It was a Holy place. A place that undoubtedly the Holy Spirit dwelled and He spoke to me in a very real way today.
Therefore, this entry will be my last. The short time that I spend on this blog, I feel, can be better used in other areas toward helping other people. I don't know what that's going to look like, but I want to go where God is already at work and can use a broken and selfish man like myself.
Please pray that God performs a miracle in the life of Brandon and his family. If I've ever seen an area where a miracle is needed, it's there. They need as many believers lifting him up as feasibly possible. If Brandon passes on to be with the Lord, God has used him to make a short but huge impact on a guy like me. Bless you Brandon, and thank you Lord.
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