It's officially the holiday season! The commercials all scream of shopping and Christmas cheer, the music that's heard is normally some type of Christmas music, and there's a certain seeming change of attitude in people. People seem to be more joyful, more giving, even more philanthropic. I too would get caught up in all of the seasonal changes and cheer. However, just under 3 years ago, I found myself in the middle of a horrific divorce. The Christmas season, for me, has sadly taken on a whole different meaning and feel. I try to get into the spirit of the season. I try to have the holiday cheer. And I try to be the jolly 'ol TC. But the fact remains, I no longer have my children for Christmas. I no longer have my family and the traditions that we made. I no longer have that Christmas spirit.
This time two years ago, I was sitting at a friends house alone for the whole holiday. No kids, no wife, no extended family, no money, gone through bankruptcy, lost my house, no job, and very depressed. I was just about as low as I could've imagined. It was then that I began to contemplate taking my own life for the second time. I don't exactly know what it was that kept me from following through with it. I could've done it and been successful! Nevertheless, I didn't. I guess the Lord was purposefully sparing my life for some reason. I made it through that dark period, but not without some serious scars that come to light at this time every year. The Lord led me through that forrest in spite of myself because now I can see what He had in store.
I now have been on the road to recovery for quite some time and continue down a healthy path to this day. I have a great job that has great meaning and kingdom work, I'm slowly recovering financially, I no longer live a life of depression, and I love the relationship that I have with my children and my Lord and Savior. Things in my life are no where close to being in a perfect place. . . or even remotely close for that matter. However, I'm focusing on positive things, people, and relationships in my life that the Lord brings across my path and I'm grateful daily for these small "life gifts" even though the Christmas holiday is still very painful.
Christmas has now become a time of reflection for me instead of a time of tidings and good cheer. It's still very painful to navigate through this season, but as time passes and life continues to cause me to change and evolve, I continue to progress and heal. One day, I believe that I will have the "fairytale" Christmas setting that I've built in my mind. A wonderful, amazing, and supportive wife and partner, a modest place that we both call home and can celebrate what the holiday truly means, and internal peace and happiness. I know the Lord has this in my future. Otherwise, He wouldn't have laid it on my heart.
To all that see this, I wish you a very merry Christmas and may the Lord bless and keep you in His will.
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