Letting Go

It's Monday night. It's beginning to get cool at night and that seems to be a welcome consensus due to the sweltering heat bearing down on us for the past months. Football was on tonight which is another indication that fall is just around the corner. I continue to settle in to what my position is at Food for the Hungry and I love what I do, who I work with, and the humanitarian good that goes with the job. I'm grateful that God has answered my prayer in that area. He continues to strengthen me and shine new light on spiritual questions that I've had for so many years. I continue to grow and see that God is good, merciful, loving, and most of all (with me), patient.

Why then am I somewhat sad in other areas? I think the Lord is still trying to speak to me quite loudly in other areas. I have been divorced for almost 3 years from a woman that rightfully despises me. She took away my children and moved to another state so that I don't have access to them as I used to. That, in many ways, makes me feel so inadequate as a father. In many respects, a failure in fact. I don't get to see them in many school activities, church functions, family get-togethers, swim meets, or volleyball games. It seems I miss out on everything and therefore I feel I'm missing out on their life. As my beloved girls grow older, I feel as if they're growing into women that I no longer know. Do I really know them? Do they know me? Do they WANT to know me? I feel as if a piece of myself is missing and I don't really know what to do about it.

Additionally, due to the fact of my immense failure in being a husband with truth and integrity, I feel unable to adequately be in a true loving relationship. Even with a woman that I've found that I dearly love and want to be with, I can't seem to give myself over to her. I have walls that I myself can't even seem to tear down! I have failed so miserably once, and adversely affected so many people's lives, that I (evidently) can't bring myself to failing so ruthlessly again. And in turn, that only proves to make for worse problems.

I say all of that to say this. I feel that God is telling me to let things go. Stop holding on and gripping so tightly the last few things that mean so much to me. The Lord is impressing upon me to give to Him my children. Let Him take control of that situation and how the future unfolds. He's telling me to let go of the woman that I love dearly. She's securely in His hands now and I need to trust in that - whatever the outcome and whatever His timing.

I've given over everything else in my life to the Lord except those last two things and He's done some amazing things thus far. However, God says that He wants ALL of me. Not 99.9%, but 100%! And that includes the loves of my life; my children and the woman of my dreams.

I must continue to let go in order to continue to grow.

Me Lung-butter Long Time

This morning was the first bike ride I've had in seven days. Last time Troy and I rode was this same ride we did last week. However, I've done a lot of swimming and running (if you've kept up with the blog). Troy, on the other hand, has been sick and hasn't had much activity for the obvious sickly reasons. He HAS been itching to get out and get some training in for a solid week though. So as you could imagine, he was antsy to get out and ride this morning - even with some lingering after-effects of his illness. I've gotta say, I didn't expect much from him since he's been under the weather and literally on his back and sleep deprived. But once again, I'm surprised by the circumstances. Not only did he make it the whole way without stopping or getting off of the bike, but he also made it up "Deliverance Ridge" without having to get off of his bike and walk up the climb. That was a surprise to me! He had every reason and excuse to get off and walk up the hill, but he found enough in his tank and dug down deep enough to find the strength to make it up there. Understand, this is no easy climb on a bike! In fact, cars that drive up this ridge struggle a bit. I was taken back (once again) by Troy's determination, desire, and work ethic to power through the extenuating circumstances that lie ahead of him. It's these small glimpses and lessons that I get that show me where I can improve - where my weaknesses are.

Troy is a strong man in every sense of the word both physically and mentally, and I truly value these small nuggets of life lessons that I get through our training and us doing life together. I couldn't ask for anything more.