Being Thankful

This morning, my bible study challenged me to think of some every day small things that I may take for granted but that I should be thankful for. It caused me to think and examine my life and current circumstances.

After living in Tennessee for over 21 years, I finally packed up my stuff and moved back to Florida where I grew up. I left behind memories, hurts, mistakes, friends, family, and even my daughters who are now grown-ups and in the working/academic world. This was one of the toughest decisions that I've ever had to make, yet I've never been more sure of a life decision in my life. I can't describe the feeling of "just knowing" it was the right thing to do. I believe that God truly laid it on my heart and has guided my steps in this direction for a serious purpose. For that, I'm thankful.

That brings me back to the initial question of; what are the small things that I need to be thankful for? First and foremost, I'm thankful for my life and my health. I'm greatly thankful for my wonderful children that I don't get to see enough of. And I'm immensely thankful for the amazing woman in my life that has caused me to see things, life, and myself so drastically different.

God has a continued plan for my life and I know that I'm a continuous work in progress for Him. Life has new meaning and purpose and for all of this, I'm thankful.

Letting Go

It's Monday night. It's beginning to get cool at night and that seems to be a welcome consensus due to the sweltering heat bearing down on us for the past months. Football was on tonight which is another indication that fall is just around the corner. I continue to settle in to what my position is at Food for the Hungry and I love what I do, who I work with, and the humanitarian good that goes with the job. I'm grateful that God has answered my prayer in that area. He continues to strengthen me and shine new light on spiritual questions that I've had for so many years. I continue to grow and see that God is good, merciful, loving, and most of all (with me), patient.

Why then am I somewhat sad in other areas? I think the Lord is still trying to speak to me quite loudly in other areas. I have been divorced for almost 3 years from a woman that rightfully despises me. She took away my children and moved to another state so that I don't have access to them as I used to. That, in many ways, makes me feel so inadequate as a father. In many respects, a failure in fact. I don't get to see them in many school activities, church functions, family get-togethers, swim meets, or volleyball games. It seems I miss out on everything and therefore I feel I'm missing out on their life. As my beloved girls grow older, I feel as if they're growing into women that I no longer know. Do I really know them? Do they know me? Do they WANT to know me? I feel as if a piece of myself is missing and I don't really know what to do about it.

Additionally, due to the fact of my immense failure in being a husband with truth and integrity, I feel unable to adequately be in a true loving relationship. Even with a woman that I've found that I dearly love and want to be with, I can't seem to give myself over to her. I have walls that I myself can't even seem to tear down! I have failed so miserably once, and adversely affected so many people's lives, that I (evidently) can't bring myself to failing so ruthlessly again. And in turn, that only proves to make for worse problems.

I say all of that to say this. I feel that God is telling me to let things go. Stop holding on and gripping so tightly the last few things that mean so much to me. The Lord is impressing upon me to give to Him my children. Let Him take control of that situation and how the future unfolds. He's telling me to let go of the woman that I love dearly. She's securely in His hands now and I need to trust in that - whatever the outcome and whatever His timing.

I've given over everything else in my life to the Lord except those last two things and He's done some amazing things thus far. However, God says that He wants ALL of me. Not 99.9%, but 100%! And that includes the loves of my life; my children and the woman of my dreams.

I must continue to let go in order to continue to grow.